Tuesday, April 17, 2007

New Church Reformation

I have been noticing the immense growth of articles on the web about the New Church - a lot of this is from the Friends of Emergent blogoverse and the house church movement (Wolfgang Simpson)...and I thought what would happen if somebody came up with a different way ahead - after all, isn't everybodys opinion valid?

The way forward for church to be what God intended it to be is this...

We need more buildings, and those buildings need to be recognised and revered as the house of God. God will live and dwell in them making it a sanctified place and holy, we should have a stage that we can call the altar and that should be at the front of the sanctuary, and it is here that God will live...forever, or until we default on the mortgage at least.

We need more clergy, we need one man to lead the churches and we should not use every member. We need to pay HIM lots of money and give all the people he then employs cool sounding titles like 'worship pastor' or 'poster pastor' or 'car park cardinal'. He needs to be part of a hierarchy, a chain of command, in fact we need more denominations.

We need to have more programs, that is the way people learn, by studying books and lessons. We need to emphasise the importance of meetings over a 'way of life', the more meetings the better, you can never have enough, meetings and rotas are the life blood of the church building where God dwells. We need courses and conferences and teaching weekends and we need more meetings.

The church needs to be bigger, numbers do matter. We need to have one pastor to look after 500 people whom he rarely has time to visit. We need more food, actually we need more posters that advertise food, fun and fellowship. The pastor needs to play more golf and mix with other pastors in Starbucks, all pastors need a senior pastor, a pastors pastors, and that pastors pastor needs a pastor, a pastors pastor pastor, and we need more food, and we need more pasta, actually we need a bowl of pasta for the top man, a kind of pastors pastor pastors pasta (bet you saw that coming:)

We need to emphasise the importance of music in worship, hell no...worship is music, a tight band and a cool choir are required to get people in the mood for worship. We need to emphasise the need to start the worship with lively songs to get everyone going, and then slow it down for spirituality to kick in. We need to teach that worship music prepares peoples hearts for the preaching. We need more music to impress God with.

We need to deliver more tracts to doors, each member should be allocated a set number of doors each quarter. We need to do more outreach, have tent meetings, and open air preaching, we should shout at people on the street in old English, we should tell our neighbours 'ye are sinners that needeth to repenteth forthwith'. No longer should we love our enemies, we should just kick the crap out of them (oops, turning into a rant now)

We should have peer reviews and performance targets, this way we can measure just how well we are doing. All pastors should have objectives, and targets and catchy slogans. The people need objectives and mission statements to work towards.

We should have better music that incorporates the best technology for presentation. We need to project our songs onto big walls and discard hymn books, God is impressed with our techno prowess.

This New Reformation will be known as Emergent Tradition or New Wave Institutionalism, it will operate with the worst mistakes of the past reformed and birthed through a labyrinth of latte as we vlog (video log) our march forward.

So then, may we all look forward to the day when the old and new converge and we all sit on our holographic pews watching podcasts of Charles Spurgeon reanimated from the DNA left on one of his pipes.

With love from the Kings of the Wild Frontier

1 comment:

Rock in the Grass said...

shit - I thought that real pastors lived in northern Scotland and preached to congregations who came to church dressed in kilts (with nothing underneath) and that everyone ate haggis at church gatherings. And that really Godly worship was singing "Amazing Grace" to bagpipes!


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