Wednesday, May 24, 2006

World Cup...17 days 2 go

If you are not a UK football follower then this will make no sense...come on Motty!!

1 - Within 1 minute of kick off in the opening match, Germany v Costa Rica, the commentator must mention England.
2 - Regardless of what two teams are contesting the final, England have
to be mentioned within the first minute.
3 - Should England play Argentina, the commentator shall refer to the
Falkland Isles in passing.
4 - Whenever a hat trick is scored, comparisons with Geoff Hurst will be
made within seconds of the third goal hitting the net.
5 - Should England wear their red jerseys, then '1966' should be
mentioned approximately 20 times.
6 - 1966 will be mentioned approximately 10 times a match, or only on 4
or 5 occasions for matches not involving England.
7 - Prior to the captain of the winning team lifting the trophy, the
commentator will mention Bobby Moore. And 1966.
8 - When Germany are playing, they must be referred
to as being arrogant by the commentator on at least 14 occasions. This
must refer to their style, their passing, their haircuts and their general footballing ability. Reference must continually be given to the 5 - 1 thrashing dished out by England even though it was 5 years
ago.
9 - Should England play Germany, mentions of Winston Churchill, Dambusters, the Luftwaffe and Adolf Hitler will be compulsory. And 1966.
10 - All Scottish members of our commentary team must continue to refer
to England as "we" and "us".
11 - Nationalistic stereotypes must be adhered to at all times. Of
course, the Germans are arrogant, the Spanish are bottlers, the Poles
are dirty, the Argentinians are cheats and the French are only good because their best players play in England.
12 - For matches not involving England, commentators must only discuss
the players that are playing in England. (e.g. Argentina v Holland
should be referred to as Heinze v Robben).
13 - The mythical "bulldog spirit" phrase should be used as often as
possible.
14 - Each match involving England should begin with the phrase "England Expects."
15 - Should any player be involved in an injury that involves the loss
of teeth, then references to Nobby Stiles and 1966 are compulsory.
16 - If in doubt, mention 1966.
17 - Commentators must praise all of the stunning new stadiums in
Germany, but emphasise that they lack the presence of Wembley, the spiritual home of football since 1966, or any of the Premiership stadia where the "greatest league in the world" is played.
18 - Commentators should feel free to imitate the style of Kenneth
Wolstenholme, the hero of 1966.
19 - Should any team feature brothers playing together, then Jackie and
Bobby Charlton should be mentioned. And 1966.
20 - When England eventually bow out of the tournament after the latest penalty kick debacle, commentators must emphasise that it is a massive blow to football and a serious loss to the World Cup.

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